Grow Up

Without further ado, I present to you Adulthood pt 4 – Grow-Up!

It’s been a few months since the last two pieces were published; I knew this section would take the longest and be the hardest to write, because how exactly does one define Maturity? To quote my cousin Damla’s favourite saying right now – ‘it’s a concept’. And with a notion being so subjective and having many layers, I wanted this angle to meaningfully contribute to the three-strand cord tying up where I am on this journey to adulthood and not just repeat what I wrote in the last two posts – Make Up Your Mind and Own Your Sh*T. 

A dictionary definition of Grow Up is to ‘Advance to Maturity’ and given that the route differs from person, it’s only right I illustrate MY advancement with another story (I would be cheating you if a story wasn’t on the cards, LOL). HOWEVERRRRR, the details of the story I wanted to share are extremely hazy (one set of notes literally says, ‘talk about my car engine and feeling like I should know what to do’, whilst another documents ‘story of me having an issue with my car/tyre? And Ivy saying something about not knowing everything’). Being the intermittent writer I am, I’ll give you the abridged version where though the specifics may be questionable, the take-home message contains all the essential information I need to get my point across. 

It’s 2020, and I’ve just bought my second car (my first car was bought and maintained by my mother, and my sole responsibility was to drive it, fill it with petrol and then cry whenever something broke. To which it’d be returned to me fixed, like brand new). So, this new car I drive for a few months and then an issue arises. Not wanting to cry to my mother, I cry to my bestie instead, telling her I’m X years old, how can I not know what’s wrong with my engine/tyre/unidentified car part? To which this wise woman responds ‘Omo, why do you feel that because you have a car, you must know everything about it?’ Or something along those lines. Side Note: one thing about my best friend, she gone question my thought processes to challenge ME to challenge my perspective! *rolling my eyes, sighing, because she always ends up being right and I am changed for the better!*  

The End! 

This short but significant story represents additional states I consider important in the progression from childhood to adulthood: The 3 ‘I’ as I now term them; Instability, Imperfection and Interdependency. 

Instability

We don’t know what to do… 

Me and my heart we got issues! Trust issues, abandonment issues, relationship issues, insecurities and fears. But where I was constantly feeling lost and fearing the unknown, I found comfort in knowing. Since the beginning of time, I’ve had a host of misconceptions that at certain timepoints there should be an abundance of things I should have learnt and figured out already. So, when I didn’t know something, I would often spiral into paralysis and procrastination and lament on how useless I was because I didn’t know ANYTHING (dramatic much, I know!). Not having the answers affected my confidence and I was extremely hard on myself; going to great extremes to avoid uncertainty and the discomfort it caused. It was EXHAUSTING. Ivy’s question brought the realisation that despite me being X years old, there are many things that I don’t and won’t know. Maturity doesn’t presume to have all the answers. Instead trusts that, in the presence of ignorance, and the absence of arrogance, you will figure it out eventually.

Imperfection

Even when we do know what to do, we won’t always get it right…

Somewhere, somehow, I developed the belief that making mistakes was a COLOSSAL MISTAKE; getting things wrong was highly unacceptable and deemed to have dire consequences. Inevitably, I made many mistakes over the years and considered myself and my life a failure. I dwelt on the errors and stayed ruminating and regretting, wishing I could undo, like the backspace key on a computer. I associated mistakes with emotional pain, failing to recognise that mistakes are important and a natural function of living. Subsequently, I strived for standards that were unattainable, unrealistic and unfair, having little grace for myself and others. I avoided doing certain things for fear of ‘getting it wrong’ and thought less of myself whenever I made a mistake. Again, EXHAUSTING! Maturity doesn’t make you immune to mistakes. You will make mistakes and get things wrong. And that is OKAY, because you made a decision based on the information you had at the time, albeit incomplete or incorrect. 

Interdependency

And we don’t always have to do it on our own…

When I initially started the adulthood series, this heading was dependency to indicate that this adulthood journey involves reliance on someone or something for different levels of support. This was in part to counter the notion that maturity and independence were one and the same and in other part to throw shade at those self-sufficient types forever singing ‘I don’t need nobody or nothing else’. But as I reflect on the car story and me crying to my bestie, I co-sign with Bill Withers that ‘we all need somebody to lean on’. Whilst independence is essential on the journey to adulthood, the departure of total dependency on parental figures, inTERdependency is the healthy balance where we unlock possibilities and perspectives we couldn’t have found alone that is based on mutuality and community. Maturity doesn’t expect you to figure it out by yourself. Everyone relies on something or someone; sometimes it’s Google and sometimes it’s a friend or even a stranger. 

Conclusion

And just like that, we conclude the Adulthood series. I find it somewhat poetic that this post is exactly ten years later from Quarter-Life Crisis – the existential crisis that started this adulthood journey, has come full circle. I finally arrive at Adulthood with an understanding that it’s not about life turning out the way you planned it. Also, that you never really arrive there; because when you get ‘there’ you realise there’s more; the journey TO Adulthood is a journey THROUGH life. It seems like it’s taken me ten years to fully feel like an adult, but it’s been ten years of gathering lessons for this one year of change; a change in mindset. And life truly changes when your mindset changes. 

As I post this final adulthood piece TEN days after my birthday, it serves as the Swan Song to my childhood where I say goodbye to old operating systems and practices. I begin the process of UNLEARNING and changing the narrative to tell a new story that becomes the building blocks for better ways of living. This New Era, I decide to continue raising myself. Growing Up involves a desire to learn continuously, making mistakes and learning from those mistakes, acquiring tools to navigate the different paths and acceptance of life as imperfect, impermanent and incomplete but all the more beautiful (Wabi Sabi). 

Happy Birthday to Meeeee. Here’s to many more years of lessons, blessings, joy & growth!

Ms Tola x

I have found calmness in the craziness!

Own Your Sh*T

Man, these posts just keep rolling in…cus’ we’re back with Adulthood part 3.

I’m sure the suspense was killing you, waiting to find out which segment we’d be covering next. Last time we saw how making decisions was a crucial contributor to me feeling like an adult. But as with every journey of growth, the first stage of learning is identifying; comprehension and application are the next levels. Just because I knew I had to make my own decisions, didn’t mean I knew HOW to make them, or what to do AFTER I made them. So, in case you didn’t guess it from the title, this post is about taking responsibility, because tagged with the freedom to make choices comes the responsibility and consequences of those choices. And we continue with… you guessed it, another story!

It’s 2004 and I’ve just finished Year 11, the final year of secondary school (or High School as some call it) and I stumble across a musical comedy-drama called Camp (read Netflix & Chill – when Netflix was VHS and Chill literally meant hangout; extra curriculars not applicable). The film centres around a group of teenage misfits who find community at a musical theatre camp and courage to express themselves and escape society’s restrictive limitations. Completely captivated by this film and having always been a lover of music, I decide to perform a number from the movie with my friend at the college talent show; I stood up and sang ‘Here’s Where I Stand’ (Obviously I didn’t know it at the time, but this song was thematically essential to what followed on this journey; the path I could have taken, and the place I’m at now).

Fast forward to my second year of college and it’s time to choose a course to study at university. I’m weighing up my options to factor in the subjects I took for A-Levels (English Literature, Drama & Theatre Studies, Psychology, and Theology) as well as something I’m passionate about and could pursue a meaningful career in. I’m reflecting on that college performance – I was so nervous, and my vocals were shaky but the feedback I got from friends and attendees of the show was encouraging; I DEFINITELY got talent! It was in that moment, I decide I want to unlock that power and courage, develop my singing, and pursue my dreams of becoming the next Beyoncé. I tell my mum and aunty Kay that I’m going to study Performing Arts. My mum’s response of course is ‘what is Performing Arts?’ and once I explain it to them, my aunt’s response is a categoric ‘No’ with the added, ‘you want to go and study music and rubbish’. I should have known better being raised in a Nigerian home that my only real choice was a LEAD course, courses that lead to a career as a Lawyer, Engineer, Accountant or Doctor. Nonetheless, the disappointment was excruciating and fast forward to 2010 and I’m graduating with a Law degree (after dropping out in 2008, being kicked out of my mother’s house and only being let back in on the condition I re-enrol to continue my studies).

There were many instances like this where a decision was to be made but unlike the Thailand story, I made these decisions against my own desires and intentions only for it to backfire and detrimentally set me back. Unhappy with the trajectory my life was taking, and not recognising it was on me to take responsibility for the outcomes, I complained, and blamed everyone and everything for the disparity between my ideal and actual self and the cause of why I sucked at this whole thing called Life…

• I blamed my mum and aunty that I studied Law despite having no intention of being a Lawyer.
• I blamed my Law degree as the reason my Broadway and Hollywood (and even Bollywood) dreams didn’t manifest, and the reason Beyoncé can’t Say My Name because she doesn’t even know who I am.
• I blamed that same aunty for later pressuring me into other decisions I wasn’t ready for and as well as hindering me from pursuing certain ventures I wanted to explore (I basically refer to her as the aunty that ruined my life… hello masked bitterness) 
• I blamed my ex for not helping me recover the real life I believed I was destined to live (obviously as well as not healing all my emotional wounds and fixing all my broken hearts. I’m sure somewhere in there, I also blamed my father for being absent and the cause of my Daddy, fear & trust issues. But hey, that’s a story for my therapist, LOL!)
• And then, to put the cherry on top, I blamed God for making me this way – an indecisive person who made so many mistakes, was so easily swayed by cultural and social pressures, and gave away all my power to people who told me what decisions to make, which I didn’t agree with, but I accepted.

In other words, I didn’t Own My Sh*T! But instead, spent many years living with regret and resentment. There I remained like a child, stuck in a victim mentally feeling controlled by those around me. When we assign blame to external factors and/or others’ actions, we put that entity in charge and without that ownership we feel powerless and unable to move forward. But when we understand how our choices (or therefore lack of) influence actions and outcomes, and we are willing to acknowledge and accept the part we play in every situation, even when certain things aren’t entirely our fault, we activate the power to make the necessary changes and steer our lives in another direction.

‘Never let people, who don’t have to live with the outcome, pressure you into making those choices!’

Brittany Moses

So, I encourage you to be honest with yourself and others and find strength and courage to dance to the beat of your own drum, unapologetically. Define life for yourself and stop seeking validation from others, be your source of self-worth. Stop blaming, making excuses but instead take responsibility for your actions and emotions and believe your behaviour can change. Every experience is one you can move on from because you aren’t a helpless child anymore but a powerful adult who has choices… Own Your Sh*T!

(Stay tuned for the next part in the Adulthood series)

Ms Tola x

I have found calmness in the midst of craziness.

Make Up Your Mind

Another One! (In my DJ Khaled voice) Adulthood part 2.

For those of you wondering if I’ve skipped a step, I featured as a guest blogger on Joe Oriade blogs, penning the first part, titled ‘Adulthood – Are We There Yet?’ Click the link to read the article.

Soooo, where do I find myself on this journey with no finish line? It’s no longer the rehearsal but the main event. My real life has begun and whilst not always ready for this adult life, I finally feel ‘adult-adult’, you know?! In preparation for this post, I posted on my WhatsApp status a question to see if, within my social network, there was any communality regarding the transition into Adulthood:

“What is one thing you think/feel makes you an adult?

 Or if you don’t think/feel like an adult, what is the thing you feel you are lacking?”

It was re-confirmed that Paying Bills is the hallmark of Adulthood as many believed for them, this was the indication that they were adults. Bills in your own name, bills that affected your credit score and bills that were necessary to maintaining a roof over your head such as rent, mortgage and utilities. Destiny’s Child said it perfectly: Bills, Bills, Bills! Whilst I do agree the increase of financial responsibility and addition of said bills (hello Mortgage!) has contributed to me now regarding myself as an adult, I’m not fully convinced those material markers are significantly responsible for putting the ways of childhood behind me. These last few years involved intense periods of self-evaluation and reflection and as I rethink what it means to be an adult, I maintain it requires maturity, taking responsibility and making decisions. And there came the idea to turn that feature Adulthood post into a series and expand on each of those components. The purpose of this series is to reflect on and document my subjective journey through adulthood, and hopefully provide an alternative to the ‘Big Five’ traditional markers of adulthood that others can relate to.

So, on that note, let’s begin Making Decisions with a story.

It’s Autumn 2012, and after spending my third summer in America working as a Camp Counsellor, the travel bug hits me again. Instead of focusing on my work at the recruitment agency, I’m scouting candidates for my Next Top Escape. And needing more than just a summer job, I stumble across a Teach English as Foreign Language programme that pays to teach and travel.  Excited with my discovery, I tell my mum about my plan to leave my temp job (yet again) and apply for this programme, with Thailand being the successful candidate I choose. My mum’s response of course is a categoric ‘No’. She then proceeds to lecture me about not taking my life and work seriously, that travelling is not an acceptable career path, and if I leave my temp job now, when I come back, I’ll have to start all over again with nothing to show for my time abroad. Mama Knows Best, I believed, and I buried that idea down into the depths where dreams never die. But as the months went by, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was meant to be in Thailand. I considered bringing it up again with my mum but didn’t see the outcome being any different than before. Eventually 2013 rolled in, and suddenly I was willing to risk it all; my heart was saying ‘Go’, even though Mama said ‘No’.

‘It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.’

Grace Hopper

 So, in February I applied for the programme, got accepted in March and booked my flight and visa in that same month. All I had to do was sit pretty until it was time to declare my defiance and boy was I AFRAID of the repercussions! It’s now April and for my birthday (that same birthday I discover I’m having a Quarter-Life Crisis) I have a small gathering with some friends and family and I’m anxious waiting to reveal this big secret. In true dramatic form, I stand up and announce I have an announcement to make. Everybody chines in to guess: ‘OMG, you’re pregnant?’ ‘You’re dating?’ ‘You’re getting married?’ (shows what my people feel should have been happening at this stage in my life). Eventually I answer, ‘No! I’ve got a job teaching in Thailand and I fly out in two weeks.’ Obviously, it takes them all a moment to process that my departure is literally 14 days away and that this wasn’t just an idea I was presenting them with, but a fully cooked and executed plan that they had no knowledge was even brewing in the pot. At this point, they all look at my mum.  

[dramatic pause and heads turning slowly]

[Spotlight on my mum]

EMINEM VOICEOVER: If you had one shot or one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted in one moment, would you capture it… Or just let it slip?

MY CONSCIENCE: My palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy…

After what feels like a lifetime in silence, my mum finally says ‘Well it’s all sorted. God will be with you!’ Feeling both relief and annoyance (what no telling off, no righteous indignation of my repeating disobedience and disregard of her authority on my life choices) it was time to start packing.

As I wrap up this post, reminiscing on that Thailand story highlights what has transpired since my feature Adulthood post. I didn’t know it at the time, but making that decision was a characteristic of adulthood and I see now that autonomous decision-making was something I lacked, causing me to not feel like an adult. I’ve spent much of my life believing other people knew better than I did, what was best for me and so by default, their authority trumped my credence. Adopting a narrative of incompetence and feeding my insecurities, I stayed feeling like a child, being swayed by cultural and social pressures, making decisions not based on my personal convictions but on the approval of people, their ideas, and instructions. As summarised by my good friend Zohrah, ‘being an adult is about choice; the ability to make choices for oneself, that once upon a time, when you were a child, was the responsibility of your parent(s)/guardian.’ (Hey girl, you made it to the blog!)

So, if you too find yourself struggling to shift the child-adult sentiment, maybe it’s time, time to decide… Make Up Your Mind!

Ms Tola x

I have found calmness in the midst of craziness!

(Stay tuned for the next part in the Adulthood series)

Breaking Out of Prison

Amidst this global pandemic known as COVID-19, I have been oscillating between being productive, and completely unmotivated to do much in these ‘unprecedented’ times, with much uncertainty surrounding the future. As of minor consequence many of my regular TV shows are on hiatus, unable to film new episodes due to CoronaVirus and fortunately for me I found comfort in the grasp of Netflix, binge-watching shows to keep me occupied. However, with advantages come drawbacks and it has been said that too much television is bad for you, hazardous to your health with little real educational value. In attempt to justify my binge-watching habit, I decided to share some reflections I gathered from a series I watched in under three weeks, demonstrating those 3,960 hours (5 seasons, 90 episodes, average episode 44 mins) were not a complete waste. (Shout out to Tosin who also thought a post would be a great way to put those hours to good use)

From the title of this post, can you guess the show? It’s Prison Break. And yes, I know I’m soooo late, but if you remember back to my ‘28 Years Later’ post I hadn’t watched a single episode of Grey’s Anatomy, a show that first aired in 2005. Yet, 4 years post that post, I’m all caught up, waiting for Corona to disappear so we can have new episodes. I get there, eventually! Anyways, back to Prison Break. The premise of the show is about an engineer (the oh, so fine Michael Scofield) who devises a plan to break his brother (Lincoln Burrows) out of prison after being falsely accused of a crime and sentenced to death. You learn all this in the very first episode, so hopefully there aren’t many spoilers in this post for those who decide to watch the show after being so inspired by my life lessons and reflections!

Lesson Numero 1: Right and Wrong is not always Black and White.

 As the saying goes, Michael did a wrong thing for a right reason. From a legal perspective he committed a crime, but morally he saved an innocent life, the ends justifying the means. Having watched all five seasons (now you see why it is imperative for me to have binge-watched, so I have all the information), I’m reminded of the trolly dilemma, which asks would you sacrifice one person to save five? However, in Prison Break Michael sacrifices many to save ONE. As the show concluded, I asked myself whether Michael was justified in doing what and all he did to save his brother, and whether I would have done the same if I was in his position.

Without writing a thesis on moral philosophy (I’m no professor), who really has the monopoly to define what is right and wrong and determine what serves the ‘greater good’? (FYI these are the kinds of moral dilemmas examined in another show I binge-watched called The Good Place.) We make judgements on the belief that there is a clear line between right and wrong when it isn’t as simple as black and white. In theory, we deem lying as ‘wrong’ but does our position still stand when considering lying to authorities about hiding a Jewish family or runaway slaves? In theory, we deem murder as ‘wrong’ yet a whole justice system permits Capital Punishment, defined as ‘legalised killing’. The same system that uses subjective belief at the time of the act to turn killing of another from murder, to involuntary manslaughter to self-defence. In a particular situation, the ‘right’ thing could appear to be ‘wrong’ and vice versa, suggesting right and wrong are situational terms whose meaning changes within context and differ between individuals.

Lesson Numero 2: Teamwork makes the dream work!

Michael’s plan required a TEAM. And whilst he was the engineer of the plan, he needed other people to be able to execute the plan. In Season 1, the shifty squad included numerous thieves, a Mob Boss, a dishonourably discharged First Sergeant, a Paedophile/Murderer amongst others. Michael did not intend on bringing many of these men with him on his Prison Break, given that they weren’t people he would associate with on a normal day. Yet in that moment they were unified by their status as criminals and goal to break out of prison. As the seasons progressed, I saw how every character had something invaluable to contribute to the group and the overall success of the prison break.  

It’s helpful to remember the dream team won’t always be comprised of members we are particularly fond of, people who exhibit qualities we appreciate or uphold the same values we do. However, where there is understanding that there is a specific objective for the alliance, even a seemingly incompatible association can prove to be the best way to make the dream work. Even when we think a person has nothing to offer or consider their contribution trivial, everyone has a vital role to play no matter how small the part is.

Lesson Numero 3:  Heroes and Villains are essentially the same person.

Another false dichotomy highlighted in Prison Break revealing the ways we try to put things into neat categories, is the longstanding battle between the hero – the good guy that saves the day, overcoming adversity through feats of ingenuity, courage or strength versus the villain – the bad guy whose evil actions or motives cause trouble, harm and/or damage, yet are central to the plot. Between the individual characters, ‘The Company’, law enforcement and intelligence agencies, I was constantly wondering who exactly were ‘the good guys’?

For example, characters such as Brad Bellick, Agent Alex Mahone, and Paul Kellerman are prime examples of those upholding the law, i.e. ‘the good guys’, but are as crooked as the criminals they chase. Michael Scofield, the poster boy of ‘goodness’, in his effort to save one innocent man, unleashes a series of events that have devasting consequences for many people. Is he therefore the hero or the villain? Another extreme example is Theodore Bagwell aka T-Bag, the vilest character of them all; a racist, paedophile and murderer who time again is presented with opportunities to help the ‘good guys’. Throughout the show his motives and actions are considered ‘evil’, yet he navigates through every obstacle by means of resourcefulness, audacity, and potency. At the very end, when it matters most, he makes a heroic choice. Does that negate all the bad he has done and automatically qualify him as a ‘good guy’?

Let us not be so arrogant as to consider ourselves as one of the good guys but recognise that we are capable of making choices that both help and harm others irrespective of our intentions. And just because we mean well, does not mean it will end well. As Jesus rightly said… ‘No one is good, except God’.

Lesson Numero 4: Even the best laid plans are not enough

Michael’s plan to break Lincoln out was elaborate; contingencies upon contingencies – pre, during and post prison. The plan against itself was flawless. But as we all know, plans don’t always work out.

And that is why you need more than a plan, you need PURPOSE, and then you need FAITH. In addition to being a meticulous planner, Michael was an exceptional improviser, constantly thinking on his feet; a new next step, a new plan to serve the purpose. As each episode saw ‘the plan’ go awry, Michael’s response was always ‘we need to find another way’, revealing his confidence was not in the plan itself, but in his commitment to keep his brother, ALIVE. As Lincoln matter-of-factly stated, ‘when Michael takes on the world, the world always loses’ and that faith provided fortitude to push forward against the odds and obstacles.

Sometimes we mistake the plan for purpose, getting attached to ideas and things when we are supposed to let go. When your mission is clear and compelling, you can have faith that there is always a way of escape, even when you feel stuck, backed into a corner, with your back against the wall. And when you understand ‘the plan’ is just a vehicle to achieve the bigger objective, something of greater significance, the impossible is made possible, increasing chances of success. So, whilst careful planning is necessary, be ready to improvise. If the plan fails, change the plan, never the purpose!

Final Reflections

In conclusion, Prison Break is an AMAZING show with great storylines and phenomenal character development, exploring various aspects of human nature. It demonstrated the journey to freedom which starts not from a physical confinement which we are captives to, but the prison of the mind. Michael’s outcome was a direct result of his belief and action; he was first free in his mind and consequently no prison was impossible for him to break out of, signifying the only limits are the ones we create. How fitting is it that this post follows on from the last two which invites us to Be Free in Your Mind, without worries through The Art of Detachment.

The lessons and reflections I gleaned from Prison Break also highlighted the mental barriers we form thinking in extreme, rigid, and demanding ways and challenged my perspective on IDENTITY; who we are, characteristics that define us, the way we think about ourselves, and the way the world views us. Some schools of thought argue we are a product of our circumstances, others say a product of our decisions, whereby our choices define our character. Still others affirm our actions are reflections not of who we are, but who we think we are.

The moment we identify someone or something as, we convey it as absolute, cementing all assumptions. But are we consciously or unconsciously preventing ourselves from discovering something new?  In assuming one identity, e.g. sweet little Wifey, do we automatically forfeit other conflicting identities e.g. bad-ass criminal boss lady (quote courtesy of another show I binge-watched called Good Girls)? Is identity invented and/or influenced by labels, assumptions and stereotypes we, and others make? Do we maintain our identity should be impossible to change or does it, can it evolve? As it turns out, there are numerous factors responsible in shaping a person’s identity making it a complex and controversial concept, and often not even a truthful representation of who we really are anyway.

When we dictate this is how I am supposed to be, live, supposed to do, feel based on who we think we are, we become captives of our own identities, developing a myopic concept of ‘self’ where we constantly filter things to fit in with our perception of reality, our personal narrative. This usually results in overly harsh views of ourselves and others, the more persistent we are in defending this mental fortress.  We can gain deeper understanding if we are willing to let go of negativity, judgement and assumptions and instead open our mind to seeing things through multiple prisms because when we deny ourselves and others the opportunity to move in a different direction and change, we are negating the essence of what makes us human. I am content knowing it is not my job to judge the process but consider how I can better conduct myself and for me that starts with having patience for ourselves, showing compassion and humility and increasing capacity to love; trying to understand actions, behaviour and character in context of the circumstances and still able to separate the person. In the words of Meredith Grey, we all need saving. Especially from self.

Ms Tola xx

Still finding calmness in the craziness but also finding meaning even in the mundane!

p.s. I’d love to hear about the shows you are watching and the lessons you are gathering.

The Art of… Detachment!

Well, this is an unusual detour from my usual end of year post. But seeing as July is the first month of the latter half of the year, I guess this midpoint reflection doesn’t seem so out character. Does it now?

So why exactly am I here, you might be wondering. Whilst I haven’t really felt like blogging, I have been thinking, A LOT and what better way to stay true to the process than to share my thoughts on this channel (damn! My word game is STILL strong). My previous post published at the end of 2018 was called Be Free in Your Mind. It was awesome, liberating, a real game changer in my understanding of Life. HOWEVERRRR, seven months into 2019 and it’s been a struggle to Be Free. In my moments of reflection, I kept asking why am I not free? Eventually reflection came and it’s because of my inability to Let Go and here this post was birthed.

Be Free in Your Mind is the ‘what’, The Art of Detachment is the ‘how’.

I must confess though, this has been a difficult topic to write about (I feel like I say this for so many of my posts) and I believe it’s because I’ve been trying to write it as a seasoned teacher, who has experience in The Art of Detachment, instead of the professional amateur I am, fighting and failing miserably in this very art I now know is the key to me Being Free. So, as a student of Life I present this post as someone that is learning; researching, making notes, synthesising and consolidating information in a way that may be of use to someone, albeit myself.

To many, Detachment means different things;

• A coping/self-protection mechanism to deal with the stresses of life and manage painful emotions
• A practice of Eastern philosophy that leads people on a journey of healing to peace and love
• An inability to connect with people on an emotional level, an emotional numbing or avoidance
• A process of decluttering and disconnecting from material and external things
• A state of indifference and aloofness

 My understanding of it, however, alludes to balance, not extremes.

How do we live this life fully engaged, truly feeling, loving and caring without losing ourselves?

Sounds like a tall order, right? And whilst the behaviours of the different definitions may on the surface look the same, true mastery of The Art of Detachment produces a special kind of fruit within a person that is nourishing to all within their proximity.

So, let me break it down for your Five-A-Day!

Detachment is… Admission, Acceptance, Adaptation

It all starts with acknowledging that we have a ‘Life Script’ created in childhood, influenced by our upbringing, culture, personality, religion (and lack of) and experiences. It is the story we tell ourselves about how the world works and how our life should go. It encompasses our goals, desires and expectations. It is the filter from which we relate to ourselves, others and our world.

And just as you have a Life Script so does everyone else, individual to them. We are accepting of others when we recognise that our Script is not better or more important than another. It brings understanding that the way I perceive things may not be how things really are, that what I thought was a whole book is in fact only a paragraph in a story much bigger and meaningful than I could have imagined. We all have a significant role.

Willingness to give up relating according to just your own script, develops the ability to adapt to the needs and desires of others. Having the capacity to love everyone differently, observing what makes them feel comfortable, safe and happy and offer supplements in ways they will receive it instead of forcing our facet of love upon them.

Detachment is knowing everything was created from the void where nothing exists and nothing listens as well as a blank page and even a new story  can bring a happy ending.

Detachment is…Self-Care

More than bubble baths and massages, it’s about being intentional about what and who you allow into your space. Disconnecting from things and people that bring out only the worst in you and push you further away from healing, wholeness and holiness. Getting involved in activities that help you become a better person and getting rid of negative thoughts and unhealthy habits. Sometimes it’s just drinking your water and minding your business, not getting embroiled in things that do not concern us and letting others take responsibility for their actions. Self-care is trusting yourself to take care of you, asking for help when you need assistance all the while knowing you will be okay, regardless of what happens. We demonstrate love, kindness, and respect for others when we first give it unconditionally to ourselves.

Detachment leads from a stance of protecting your peace and taking action to preserve your energy and improve your own well-being and happiness. It also promotes forgiveness for self and others, appreciating we are all fallible beings.

Detachment is…A New Normal

Suffering is inevitable but sorrow is optional caused by our interpretation of the story that unfolds. Programmed by our Life Script, with pressure of social and cultural beliefs, we assign and focus on the meaning given to objects, aspirations, people, situations, achievements, failures, and titles amongst many other things. The measure of significance we give to a particular event, determines the strength of the emotional attachment that is created. The stronger the attachment, the more we demand Life adhere to the vision we have, on our terms, in our time and when it doesn’t, we find ourselves in a state of unhappiness, struggling to Let Go and accept our new normal.

Detachment provides opportunities to correct our misperceptions by loosening the significance of the situation and the attachment to the outcome. By letting go of what you think it means, we free ourselves from judgements that limit and narrow our field of vision, preventing us from seeing all perspectives. When we do not esteem one potential end result as being greater than another, we can be deeply involved and present in life knowing our happiness and peace are not tied to certain outcomes.

Detachment is…Embracing Uncertainty and Impermanence

Two of the greatest human needs is for certainty and stability. We want assurance that this input produces this output, and we extrapolate that because it has always been that way, it will always go that way. This need however, gives us a false sense of control, produces disappointment from unmet expectations and is a formula for mental anguish. Because the more we use our plans and patterns to predict every inevitability in life, the more it’s evident we cannot be sure about anything or anyone.

Detachment embraces impermanence meaning we can approach pursuits, persons and purpose with enthusiasm, energy and enjoyment whilst understanding their temporal nature. Detachment embraces uncertainty, freeing us from past conditioning and worn-out constructs.

Detachment is…Freedom.

All we have is on loan; material things, children and partners, ideologies, careers, and even our life.  Yet somewhere along the line, we forgot this simple truth and our sense of self, pride, and fulfilment became entwined with the transient nature of life, demonstrated by our daily actions. What was intended for stewardship became our bondage; the chains we built in our mind to define and secure our life reciting the fables that we should have everything figured out and we have to do everything on our own. However, there is no freedom when you are bound!

Detachment dismantles the delusions of ownership freeing us from the trap of thinking we have something to lose. All we really have is CHOICE. We choose how to respond… to the card Life deals, to our experiences, to the love we receive, to the hate they give, to the way we feel, to the thoughts we think. We have freedom to choose Let Go or Hold on…to all that we cling on to for security, validation, to protect us from our fears and insecurities.

And there you have it, The Art of Detachment! Being deeply involved in life; asking and believing but not getting caught up with expectation and control. Allowing solutions to spontaneously emerge and trusting the process, that whatever turns out from the infinite possibilities, will be what is best for us. We do what we can, accepting what comes and allowing it when it’s time to leave making a conscious choice to release and Let Go. The willingness to surrender brings freedom to experience all the fun, mystery and adventure of Life, knowing the emptying is always for an infilling of something greater. Not letting resistance to the new experience cause us pain, instead shifting our thoughts to a neutral perspective, giving us the capacity to be aware and present, and choose our response to love more, not less!

The Art of Detachment is a daily practice that requires commitment and consistency. It is a journey worth pursuing and whilst I don’t know if we ever fully arrive at mastery, in my mind, I imagine its evaluation at my funeral. If everyone I had the opportunity to meet (no matter how brief the encounter) had to give my eulogy… what would they say? From an objective perspective, which fruit of detachment would testify for me? Would it be the fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control OR the fruit of bitterness, hurt, pride, anger, resentment, indifference, jealousy and hostility?

Ms Tola xx

I have found the calmness in the midst of craziness.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Be Free In Your Mind

It seems I have become an annual blogger posting only at the end of year! I haven’t lost my zeal for writing though, I write frequently using a more traditional channel –Journaling, enjoying the private expressions over the public utterances.

A tradition I adopted before a post upload was to read all my posts from the beginning and then pick parts from different posts to reflect on the year just gone as well as my life in general. I did read all 36 posts but the thought of commenting so heavily on the past exhausted me. I had this feeling of ‘that was all great but now I just want to take the last 30 years and throw it in the bin!!!’ No, not archive them as is the default in IOS but literally SHIFT-DELETE (but as I found out, nothing is gone forever; there are software that can uncover ‘permanently’ deleted files). I literally want to Start Over as those years were clouded by a certain kind of mindset; limiting, oppressive and mostly negative, where many of my life decisions were coloured with fear and uncertainty.

 

Sometime in November whilst going through Life, my bestest friend Ivy consoled me by saying ‘Omo, Be Free In Your Mind.‘ As if waking up from a deep sleep, that phrased liberated me. My mind was full of files clogging up my storage space and each time I dipped into those memory stores, it was three steps backward after one step forward. I agree however, those years weren’t ALL bad but a negative mindset is like a computer VIRUS; it disrupts the system’s performance, corrupts good files and causes frequent crashes. That is why I am willing to ditch many years of living so I can reset myself to factory settings and finally move forward. I am tired of using that past as a reference point so going forward the goal is to Be Free In My Mind. I’ve spent this last few weeks coming up with my own concept of what that means and it’s not a perfect, single definition but components of different process.

 

• Renewing your mind from negative to positive thoughts

 

Negative thinking leads us down the wrong path! The more we focus on the negative, the more it shapes our experiences and perspectives, ultimately making us miserable. Negative thinking includes limiting beliefs, criticism and judgement, complaining, passivity and indifference as well as rumination on things that induce fear, anxiety and doubt.

 

Being free in my mind I recognise that thoughts do not belong to me, but I can choose which to accept, reject or ignore completely knowing the ones I adopt determine the trajectory of my life. It means taking captive all thoughts that hold me prisoner and thinking life-generating thoughts instead.

 

• Unsubscribing from expectations

In an ideal world, every human being is treated with dignity, respect and kindness and we have an unlimited supply of love, compassion and understanding. However, the world is full of judgement because we think, live, and behave differently from others and from here stems expectations for people to act as we would or think they should. Our standards become the standards for the whole universe when in reality everyone is trying to navigate their own way through life.

“He should be more like Tom! She’s too much like Becky. They are not supportive enough, he lacks tenderness, she lacks consistency. She’s stubborn, he’s proud, they’re so needy. Why doesn’t he, why does she, why don’t they…”

And with all these judgements in our mind we expect from people more than they are capable or willing to give.

Being free in my mind means taking people just as they appear and loving them any-way. It also means eliminating my sense of entitlement and expectations for all to fit in a neat, little box with a perfect bow.

 

•  Functioning and flourishing in your own space.

I learnt of this ability last month when one area of my life was going horribly wrong, and so I focused my energy on other areas and things I had to do. By inadvertently detaching myself from the situation that was disturbing my peace, the issue was contained until a solution presented itself. From this I learnt that a leak in one or more areas, does not need to spill over and affect every area; life doesn’t have be on standstill because of a break-up, unsuccessful interviews, family feuds, or financial difficulties. In that space I recognised that supporting, encouraging and freeing myself was my responsibility; power I so foolishly entrusted to external circumstances.

Being free in my mind means not letting situations, words and/or behaviour of people negatively affect me to the point I lose my ability to function and flourish. It also means knowing I will be okay regardless of how things turn out!

 

• Being flexible

My life was dominated by this idea of permanence; everything is fixed and final as opposed to seasonal. Part of my hopelessness stemmed from the belief that I was stuck! Life, circumstances, and even people may try and force you into a fixed mindset but don’t take the bait. These two months alone have shown me how everything can change in a second for the worst, and then change in a minute for the better. When we can readjust to our surroundings, we bend a little instead of break completely.

Being free in my mind is being open to different approaches and not being so set on my own way. It also means freedom to upgrade to a different version of myself in order to rewrite my story and being accommodating of others doing the same.

 

• Controlling the urge to justify yourself

Along with the many things about the past that exhausted me, seeking validation for my identity consumed a bulk of my energy. For a long time, I believed I was abnormal because I couldn’t comprehend and conform to the “general consensus”. From every interaction and relationship, it was imperative I was understood, accepted and authenticated. I therefore defended all my beliefs, desires, values and feelings. Yet the more I tried to explain myself, the more defensive I became, finding myself in numerous arguments not realising were mere disagreements over opinions, preferences, things subject to change.

Being free in my mind is not having to explain or defend myself to convince people of my worth. It also acknowledges that just because I don’t like or agree with something, it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with it and vice versa if I like something.

 

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When I find myself thinking negatively, expecting even a drop of water from someone, judging others, catastrophising about my life, refusing to consider a new, different way, or aggressively trying to prove myself, I simply say to myself Be Free in Your Mind and like a system reboot my mind is a white, blank page in which I can reconstruct my thoughts, feelings and responses. My dear friends, if you too find me stressing out about something of sorts, please remind me to Be Free In My Mind!

Photo courtesy: mindfulness, meditation & cognitive therapy for depression.

 

Wishing you all a Happy New Year and may you also Be Free In Your Mind.

Ms Tola xx

I have found calmness in the midst of craziness.

Ragnarök

It’s been a long time since this blog has heard from me. I have been writing though. I wasn’t planning on posting this year but seeing as many of my readers have requested another piece (well mainly my dad. Oh and Mr Charlie) I thought I’d make a cameo in the last month of 2017 and give my reflections of this year.

2017 was a somewhat lonely and quiet year for me which I now see was necessary for weaning me off my dependency on people and external circumstances to make me happy. Though I cried and complained at my involuntary exile and thought I’d die of loneliness, I eventually sought the help I needed. Many times I found comfort in solitude and slowly I’m finding my way back to the core of who I am. I feel upgraded, like iPhoneX. Though I still have many miles to walk through the darkness (because I took so many wrong, wrong, wrong turns) I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I can’t pinpoint any defining or “special” moment that has made this year what it’s been; on the outside it looked like there wasn’t any movement, I am the same person I’ve been these last few years. However, beneath the surface things were happening and whilst I can’t fully explain this process of metamorphosis, I accumulated a great deal of knowledge. I learnt a lot of simple things but it was the absence of this simplicity that had me mentally blocked in many different areas. So here are the simple things that have truly been a blessing and the key to moving forward.

• THE PLANNING HORIZON

I obtained my PRINCE2 Foundation and Practitioner certification earlier this year. Encouraged by my Project Manager husband to consider a career in this field, I saw how Life itself is a project to manage, to learn how to succeed in balancing multiple parallel, competing necessities. A new concept I learnt was the ‘Planning Horizon’; where you can’t see beyond a particular point. It is this notion that it is not possible to plan the whole project from the outset, and planning becomes more difficult and uncertain the further into the future it extends. Sounds like Life and its unpredictability, right? In Project Management you overcome this planning horizon by managing the project in stages. The take away was while it’s good for one to have a ‘plan’, it’s not possible to plan your whole life and expect it to go accordingly. The planning horizon in Life is today, so how then can anyone truly understand their own way? While we plan and manage Life in stages, we must allow flexibility in our planning as being rigid only results in disappointment. The planning horizon teaches some people how to plan effectively and efficiently, whereas it urges others let go of the need to control everything.

• SOME RELATIONSHIPS ARE OVERRATED

After the breakdown of certain friendships, I saw my tendency to make some relationships more than they really were because of the emphasis I placed on the association; for example, because we were related, or have been friends for X number of years, or we had mutual friends. In my mind, I was trying to be the best friend but at the end of the night I took home the award for the Worst Friend. And as I sat thinking which of my performances warranted the nomination, I realised I was the common denominator. I eventually learnt that strong (or perceivably strong) associations don’t equate to strong relationships. Relationships are complicated enough when two parties view the nature of the relationship with different eyes. Without understanding, there’s no acceptance, or tolerance or grace. If there’s no space for understanding, then there’s just this gap of assumptions, unmet expectations, disappointments and being defensive. In the end we conclude ‘I don’t get it’. And most times we believe that because we don’t understand it, it’s not valid but, we must try to understand for it to be meaningful. Then we must accept people just the way they are; our people are those who see those flaws and still love us anyways. Love how you can, give what you can, and keep the rest moving.

• PERFECTION IS AN ILLUSION

This time last year I decided to apply for a Master’s degree and it wasn’t an easy decision; filled with a lot of uncertainty, fear and doubt but come October I was a postgraduate student. My first assignment was due 1^st December and about ten days before the deadline I had a complete breakdown. I had done the reading, discussed the essay question, understood the topic, the information was in my head but for some reason I could not place 2000 words into my document (regardless of the fact my essay notes were already 8,000). I called my Aunty crying in hysterics, ready to quit my course because if I was losing it over the FIRST essay how was I going to see the course through? All the doubts kept creeping back; what if I failed this essay, what if this Masters’ was the wrong choice, what if I couldn’t do it, what if the things I sacrificed suffered rather than benefited from this decision I made? And after 20 minutes of ‘what ifs’ she calmly consoled me saying “Tola, I think the problem here is you’re trying to write a perfect essay.” Well yes, I thought, isn’t that what a distinction is, perfect essays? She told me not to worry about writing a perfect essay, but to just write something. She then said, “Education is not about the perfect grade, but about the things you learn, how you learn to overcome things.” As if the heavens opened up, and a symphony played in the background, I agreed with what she said because I have been killing myself in this life trying to be perfect because I believed Life was about being perfect and this perfection is a validation of my worth; I want to be the perfect student, the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect daughter, the perfect friend. I just want to be PERFECT! But aspiring to perfection is exhausting and I found myself failing time and time again. And I realised I failed to be perfect because perfection is an illusion. It’s not real, and cannot validate you. So when I find myself stuck, I assess to see whether it’s because I’m trying to be perfect, and when I move past trying to produce perfection, I find my flow flowing. Not trying to be perfect gives me the freedom to just BE! Flaws and all, and that is good enough.

• SOMETIMES, FORGIVENESS IS JUST LETTING GO

The weight of hurt and disappointment is a heavy burden to carry. This is one I’m still trying to wrap my head round but sometimes you just have to let it go. Let go of the expectations, let go of what she did or what he didn’t do. Let go of what you think it means, let go of knowing why. Let go of having someone or something to blame, let go of what you think you know, let go of petty. Sometimes it means letting go of the value you give the attachment… only you can decide how big and significant a hurt should be, but remember you then are the one that has to carry it around. Sometimes when I’m trying to get over something, I give myself some time to process it (sometimes it’s a few hours, or a few days and I cry if I need to) then I try and do a Dory and discard it from my memory. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it comes back and makes me sad all over again. But most times I’m not worrying about it if I’m not thinking about it, and that can be because I’ve forgotten about it, I’m pretending it doesn’t exist or not giving it great significance in my life. Maybe that’s why we find it hard to forgive because we keep the pain alive and fresh at the forefront of our minds. Let go of what you think they deserve. Let go of what keeps you angry, sad, bitter. I feel lighter and find it easier to move forward knowing I don’t have to carry the weight of life on my shoulder if I can just LET IT GO!!!

 

•  “JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVEN’T, DOESNT MEAN YOU CANT!”

I can’t remember if I saw this quote on an escalator in a train station or on Grey’s Anatomy (it seems Grey’s dictated a lot of lessons I learnt this year) but it really struck a chord within me. I haven’t done a lot of things I’ve wanted to because I’ve taken haven’t as can’t without even trying. And people will surely say you can’t because they haven’t seen it from you either. But nobody knows what you can do, until you try. And with every new thing, it takes time and effort to master it, so don’t get discouraged if you fail the first time (as I did when I played golf for the first time a few days ago). This quote serves as a prompt for me to try new things (and keep trying) and not let lack of experience develop into fear and doubt in my ability. It teaches me the purpose of ‘education’. It’s learning that impacts your life, giving us the opportunity to know things we would otherwise not know. For the first time in forever nothing’s in my way and this quote opened me to the possibility that maybe actually I can do anything I put my mind to.

So those are just some of the many lessons that came to me this year. I actually wanted to post this like two weeks ago but due my creeping desire for it to be the ‘perfect post’ I have procrastinated with only hours to spare before the end of the year. But considering all I’ve written, I’m content with sharing something regardless. 2017 has been a year of transformation and in hindsight, it’s been a great year!!! I never thought I’d found myself typing this so soon following my last post, Things Fall Apart. But this year I embraced that brokenness and feel the healing process has begun as I find myself picking up only the pieces I need and ready to let go of everything else. So many things have been revealed and identified to me and the first step in solving a problem is to DEFINE the problem!!! No more running away from it, but diagnosing the situation to focus the solution. That’s why I titled this post Ragnarök; this year I realised I have to fight harder and just because I haven’t won every battle I fought, doesn’t mean I can’t win the war. But like the Avengers, I’m not fighting alone. 2017 (and possibly 2016) is the apocalyptic battle before my world perishes in flame and is created anew. And whilst the planning horizon of Life restricts one’s ability to figure it all out, I know 2018 is about applying these lessons to fresh, fertile ground.

Wishing you all a prosperous and fruitful 2018!!!

Ms Tola xx

Finding calmness in the midst of craziness.

 

Things Fall Apart

If I had to pick a word to describe the season I’m in right now, I’d choose BROKEN! That word so resonated with me that I Googled its definition along with break and brokenness to ensure it completely captured this state I’m in.

But if I’m honest with myself I’ve been broken for a long time. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t feel ‘disconnected’ or was truly ‘functioning properly’. On the surface I pretended I had it all together; even those close to me didn’t know the enormity of the lacking parts necessary to be complete. But my heart, soul and spirit were ruptured. It started as a small shake against the wooden blocks stacked as a tower. As the years went by we took turns moving pieces around whilst the tower grew higher and higher, dangerously destabilizing the structure. Until that day, I made a move and the tower teetered, revealing its instability and fell.

image: Whisper

THINGS FELL APART!!! It was the Perfect Storm of emotions; anger, hurt, self-sabotage, hatred, betrayal, disappointment, frustration, bitterness and defeat. There was no Calmness in the midst of Craziness, just crazy in its rawest form. These last few months I’ve been so caught up in my mess, I believed there was no recovering from it all. But being faced with the reality that things fall apart, all the time, and to everyone, I am gradually accepting the expression that there’s a purpose for pain.

In my fallen state I evidently see that life only gets harder but you gotta get stronger so wanted to share what I’m learning about why Things Fall Apart.

 

• Things Fall Apart because they were not built to last. When the foundation is not strong, destruction is inevitable. “There was a man, who built his house on the sand, and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it fell. And great was its fall.” We live in a world where laws and values are replaced by popular opinion; the world is constantly changing and as we change with it we find ourselves adopting superficial values and customs. So when the storms hit in our marriage, our careers, our finances, our roles in society, we don’t have any solid ground to stand on. Things fall apart to remind us to ground ourselves in Truth and build our house on the Rock.

 

• Things Fall Apart because we have neglected the important things. We focused too much on the bad relationships, the ones that depleted and drained us. We spent too much time pursuing activities that didn’t take us closer to our goals/purpose. We gave more time and energy then was necessary in jobs that would so easily replace us rather than invest in us. We treated our bodies badly; depriving it of sleep, nutrition and exercise. Sometimes things fall apart to get our attention and motivate us to assess the relationships, the long hours and the negative habits we have to cut.

Them bricks is way too hot, you need to cut it

Your price is way too high, you need to cut it.

Cut it, cut it, cut it, cut it.

Cut it, cut it, cut it, cut it

• Things falling apart is an indication that we have burdens too heavy to carry on our own. When the things we hold on to fall apart, it’s a call for simplicity revealing something isn’t working as well as we thought it would and we don’t know as much as we thought we did. It’s  an opportunity to admit there is a problem; we need help, we need more support. It is when we reach out in those dark moments that we learn humility.

• Things fall apart to transform you from breakable to bendable. Every time you break, pick up the pieces, taking only what you need to restore. Or you can leave it all behind and start building from scratch. And each time you build, make your foundation stronger. Things fall apart to teach you how to deal with the daily struggles of life, how to manage your emotions and know the scope of things out of your control. If you’re still standing today after facing a variety of rain, winds and floods, over time you’ll be able to handle whatever life throws at you. Weather the storm and let it thicken your skin; you’ll find strength in resilience.

• Things fall apart to wake us up. We somehow manage to take good things for granted, so pain comes along to show us how good we had it before. It wasn’t bad yesterday, but today it is. Be grateful so tomorrow can be better. Things falling apart take us through dark moments, where the experience of pain eventually brings us to find the light and joy.

image: simplereminders.com

And as I write this in the last month of 2016, I may not fully appreciate the pain right now feeling lost in the whirlwind,  but I can identify the purpose of why things in my life have fallen apart whether it was self-inflicted or externally.

1) To graft me on to Sovereign Foundations. I’ve been lost for so long; I doubted my faith and had little to no belief in myself. I was convinced everybody else knew better for me. I’ve hurt and been hurt by my closest companions but as those relationships crumpled, I am constantly reminded it is better to put my trust in God, who formed my inmost parts, than to put confidence in Man because they wouldn’t always understand and they certainly couldn’t save me.

2) To prompt me to let go of things I should have done a LONG time ago; things that were constantly diminishing me but I was too blind or naïve to completely cut off from it. Whether it was a person, habit or mindset, my failure to weed it out aided the falling apart in certain areas of my life emphasising my need for total transformation.

3) To liberate me when I hit what I considered a rock bottom. Feeling weak and desperate I wanted a way out, only to realise the only way out is UP! This gave me the courage to admit I didn’t want things to go back to the way they were. I wanted a fresh start. I have an opportunity to Start Over and rebuild the pieces the way I want.

4) To teach me because I can be very stubborn and rebellious and sometimes learning the hard way is the only way to ensure I don’t make the same mistakes again. I learnt things about myself that I was in denial about, such as a dependency on people and external conditions to make me happy. Having to confront many ugly truths gave me a new perspective to work with, therefore finally embarking on the journey within to find my own sense of self and my own validation.

image: Evancarmichael.com

I like the saying, sometimes when things are falling apart, they could actually be falling together. I can’t fully explain it, but even through the tears and the tearing of my heart, in the lonely days and sleepless nights, I get this sense there’s something better on the other side and if I can only endure this season of brokenness, in time I will be complete, whole. And with that purpose I somehow manage to keep going, despite repeatedly declaring ‘I give up’. That mustard seed faith will ensure everything will turn out fine.

Ms Tola  x

Embracing the craziness in the absence of calmness.

A Change is Gonna Come!

Every time I hear the word ‘change’ I automatically break into song, singing ‘Am I supposed to change, are you supposed to change?”

Last week on two separate occasions I was presented with change I didn’t like. First up, my secret website that I watch all my shows on decided to revamp itself with a new, fancy layout. It was frustrating as I struggled to navigate my way around. I couldn’t find anything. But thankfully there was a link to the old site whilst they fixed the issues with the new website. I was like what’s with the changes; I like the old one fine. People always want new, but is new always better?

The second event happened one Thursday morning as I headed to Starbucks for my usual Sausage Buttie with brown sauce. At first I couldn’t find it. Why? They had a new package. When I picked it up, I noticed the bread was thicker and I could hardly see any sausage. I contemplated still buying it. But I thought I don’t want a mouth full of just bread. I put it back and walk out in a mood. I didn’t even get my signature hot chocolate. Starbucks, that change just lost you £6.24. I went to work really sad and bothered that they had just gone and done that to me. Why did they have to change what was working so perfectly for me? Why? Why Change?

I told Hubby about this and referring back to a cooking incident that happened weeks before, he responded with, “Omotola, you don’t like change. Why are you so resistant to change?”

And it really got me thinking about change. Who likes change? When you’re so used to things being done a certain way or you are comfortable doing only what you know. The very thought of change whether big or small made me sad. I resisted change so much because it reminded me of how far I have to go and I felt it didn’t take into account how far I have already come, only to change course. It was overwhelming and the temptation to stay the same was always so appealing. But I had to ask, what if my resistance to change has stunted my growth? And I have failed to realise or even accept the way I’ve been doing things, actually isn’t working out for me? I had to come to terms with the notion that if I REALLY wanted my life to be better, there were so many things I would have to change.

So after a lot of reflection and battling internally, I looked into some reasons I felt why myself or those I know are resistant to change.

 

“They say the truth aint pretty…”

Pride…

Sometimes accepting change means admitting whatever you’ve been doing, however long you’ve been doing it for, isn’t working, hasn’t worked and probably never will. That can be a big knock to the ego implying you aren’t as smart as you thought you were. If change is suggested by external voices we feel it is an attack on our person, an attempt to redefine who we believe we are. Rather than see it as an opportunity to be better, we hear ‘the way you are is unacceptable’ or ‘you’re not good enough’. We believe we are the ‘experts’ of our lives, so if anybody knows how we should run our life, of course it would be us right? Having to learn new ways makes us feel incompetent especially when it’s been this way for a while and we hold dear our past success and achievements.

 

Fear…

When there is no guarantee that the change will be any better than our current situation, we resist it. Fear of the unknown causes us to be comfortable with the known even though we are not happy, satisfied or advancing. We don’t even know why we are afraid of change, we just know (or believe) we don’t know how to do it any other way.

 

Unwillingness…

Change can mean letting go of our beliefs, our opinions and who we think we are. And sometimes we just do not want to let go and upset those around us who expect us to be the same. We don’t want to lose our position in social circles or professional affiliations. We don’t want to close the door on that friendship, even though the dynamic of the relationship has changed. Or feel the void of a constant that is now embedded even if the ties are unhealthy and detrimental to our growth. So we dwell on past hurts, pains and failures, or we hold on to the idea of who they should be rather than the reality of who they are.

 

Security…

Change can be seen as a threat especially to someone who is used to moving from place to place and has finally found a place to call home. Because we are settled, we feel safe. Some of us find security in routines because they are familiar; we know what to expect and that makes it easier to manage our expectations. So when we are required to do something that catches us off-guard or takes us out of our comfort zone, there’s bound to be some resistance and reluctance to accept. Change that is thrust upon us leaves us feeling powerless.

 

It doesn’t make sense…

People struggle to implement things they do not understand and are unlikely to exchange it with something they understand and can visualise its path. With external changes, if a person is not able to explain clearly why the change is necessary, it’s only natural it will be met with resistance. Lack of understanding, leads to confusion, and results in unhappiness.

 

It takes a strong person to weather the storm of change!

Laziness…

As the saying goes, ‘The lazy man hates himself’. Sometimes it’s not the change we hate, but the fact that we are too lazy to see it through. Resistance to change comes in the form of excuses; reasons why we can’t change, why it won’t work, how we’ve tried it before, or that it’s not necessary. But deep down, we know something, if not everything, has to change. For some of us it’s easier to complain than it is to change.

 

To conclude…

Whatever our reasons for resisting change, we need a change in perspective; to see it as an opportunity to learn new things and grow. Change does not happen overnight. Like the transition between hot and cold, there is a process of freezing and boiling so be patient with the progress and stand firm till the end, taking it ONE DAY AT A TIME. Change is crucial to survival. Like a caterpillar changing its whole being, transforming into a butterfly, it is a tough transition. Change can be hard. Like the Eagle that has to break its beak and pluck its old feathers, it is a painful process. Change is dependent on YOU and you can accept, embrace or reject it. It starts off as a subtle nudge, and then the push gets stronger causing uneasiness. It eventually escalates to the point the pain of our current situation demands we take action. So make the changes where necessary before it is forced upon you.

“When you change yourself, you change your world!”

 

I’d like to leave you with a story that challenges me on the path of resistance (There are various versions of this story).

The Japanese master Nan-in gave audience to a professor of philosophy. Serving tea, Nan-in filled his visitor’s cup, and kept pouring. The professor watched the overflow until he could restrain himself no longer: “Stop! The cup is over full, no more will go in.” Nan-in said: “Like this cup, you are full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup?”

In order to change we must humble ourselves, empty our mind of our conceptions, things that keep us stiff, stuck and stubborn and make room for the new, different way. And even if we make the change and it doesn’t work we can revert back but at least we tried another way. You can reject it, or accept it but either way, A Change Is Gonna Come! So EMBRACE IT!!!

Finding Calmness in the Midst of Craziness.

Ms Tola, xx

 

 

28 Years Later

My birthday is FINALLY here!!! I’ve been awaiting the arrival of this day for about 364 days now and honestly I don’t know anyone more excited about birthdays than me. I LOVE my birthday. It isn’t about adding 1 to my age (or subtracting 3, 5 or sometimes 10), but celebrating the anniversary of the day I was born. April 18th 1988 I was birthed into this world and my story began.

The Happy Birthday Girl!!

Just like the end of the year is a time of reflection on the past months and preparation for the New Year, this special day is time for taking stock of where I’m at. Life has been so unpredictable so I’ve always been anxious of what the future had in store for me at various points in my life. Last month I read an interesting article in the STYLIST magazine titled “This Is What 30 Looks Like” where 30 women across the globe assessed their lives at 30 years old. It was a very honest and heartening report, illustrating how distinctive this milestone was for women from different cultures, religions and professions. Only 4 out of the 30 women said they were exactly where they thought they’d be at this age whereas the rest didn’t expect this was how life would unfold. Some had surpassed their personal expectations due to the progression of gender equality in less developed countries or opportunities begetting opportunities propelling them further in their careers while others missed targets such as getting married or their lives took an unfortunate turn due to the loss of a loved one. However, whether good or bad, a common thread in each of their stories was this sense of satisfaction that regardless of their current situation, they were proud of how far they’d come these 30 years on earth. I was encouraged because I thought I was the only one who felt life hadn’t gone the way I thought it would and I haven’t even reached 30.

In light of that article and my upcoming birthday, I decided to evaluate what has become of me 28 years later and here is my stock-taking in summary.

Three things I haven’t yet done that I would have liked to

1) If you cast your mind back to April 2013 in my post, Quarter-Life Crisis, I mentioned riding a horse was one of the things I hadn’t ever done before. Would you believe 3 years later this status hasn’t changed? Shame on me… Maybe before 30?? #30before30

2) I haven’t seen a single full episode of Grey’s Anatomy. With all the numerous series I watch, for some reason this didn’t made it to the list. I’ve heard nothing but great reviews however I can’t start it from anywhere else but season 1 episode 1 so I need time to catch up. I’m saving this for my 2nd maternity leave. Oh yeaaa!

3) I would have thought by 28 I would have relocated to another country. I have a great curiosity about the world and there’s so much to see. Different cultures, food and people to discover; I love travelling and imagined me living somewhere else besides the UK. In my opinion, 28 years is too long of time to spend in just one place. One a smaller scale though, I’ve lived in Thailand for 6 months.

 

Three things I’ve achieved that I hadn’t imagined at 28

1) I’M MARRIED!!! I’ve always wanted to get married, but I wasn’t actively and sincerely preparing for that life change; I was just wishing it to come to pass. Maybe because deep in the cabinet of my fears, I thought I’d be 30 and single, 40 and single and possibly 50 and still single. I knew it would take a miracle for me to get married. And that’s exactly what happened. My miracle of a husband that knew the first time he saw me that I was his wife (or so that’s the story he tells me).

2) I’M A MUMMY. Just like number 1, I always wanted children. But I assumed me being great with children translated into a career working as a teacher or youth worker. I didn’t expect to have a baby so soon after marriage, but as life would have it, the best gifts are always surprises.

3) I’M A DATA MANAGER (in clinical trials). I loved English and Drama at school and thought I’d be a full-time writer/singer/actress. But those dreams where pushed aside when I went to University to study Law, after which the plan was then to become a teacher. But being rejected for the PGCE course 3 consecutive years, it seemed it just wasn’t meant to be. In 2013, I didn’t even know what Clinical Trials was until February of that year, where over time I’ve developed great skills in Data Management and a passion for Research and the vast impact it has in our daily lives.

Marriage, Babies, Careers!

 

Three things I deliberately set out to achieve and succeeded.

1) Rekindled my love for writing. I created this blog in 2012 with 33 posts to date. Thoughtchannel is a place where I can gather my views on life experiences; it’s where I find calm in the midst of the craziness of life, where I dig deeper and discover. It’s opened the path to other great writings.

2) I’ve explored higher ground and deeper waters in different countries. Climbing Mount Fuji in Japan  and Scuba diving in Thailand.

3) At 28 I am a ‘Natural’. My last relaxer was in 2010 and since then I’ve gone back to my roots. I’m committed to this natural hair journey; I’m constantly having to be patient with the process, but it’s taught me a lot about myself and I’m proud and confident it was the right decision.

 

So there you have it; a snapshot of my life as I planned, wouldn’t have imagined and where it didn’t pan out accordingly. How do I feel about where I am today? Honestly? Before writing this post I felt like I was behind; so far from the mark. But the question I had to ask myself was is there a perfect and universal standard in which I can measure my progress against? And the answer was NO because I can’t compare to age mates or those older/younger than me because quite frankly, we’re not even running the same race and will never be at the same page even if we all started on April 18^th 1988.

The race is only with YOURSELF!!!

I’ve never been the goal-setting type of person so it’s a mystery how my chaotic path has carefully orchestrated itself to this perfect place where I’m gradually accepting this is where I’m supposed to be. For the few goals I did set, where I failed to achieve them within fixed time frames, subconsciously I negated all the other unintentional victories. I didn’t give them as much importance because they weren’t in my line of focus but they turned out to be the real achievements that are moulding me into the person I want to be. At 28 I’ve finally learnt that sometimes the plans, goals and ideas YOU have for life isn’t really the plan, goal and idea LIFE has for you.

With that said, start with what YOU have and be happy WHERE YOU ARE. I’m sure if you were to take stock of your life at your next birthday; you too would have plenty things you purposely achieved and are proud of, many things you are yet to experience and things you’ve achieved that never even crossed your mind (please do share yours in the comment box; I’d love to read summaries to further illustrate the notion of same age, different stage). Live life as best as you can in whatever capacity you find yourself. Live as honestly, as painfully, as patiently, as excitingly and as simply as the day brings. Be attentive and receptive to the possibilities life presents to you and ALWAYS be thankful for the lessons as well as the blessings. Don’t worry about the future. Take care of ‘today’ every day and the future will take care of itself

Being happy doesn’t mean everything is perfect…

…it simply means you’ve decided to enjoy life.

Happy Birthday Meee. Here’s to many more happy years.

I have found calmness in the midst of craziness.

Ms Tola aka The Birthday Girl  

xx