Archive | April, 2015

Brutally Honest

18 Apr

As I sat down towards the end of last year, and thought about my plans and goals for 2015, two words came to mind; FAITH and PATIENCE! They resonated so strongly I knew they were the themes for this year. Only four months in and my faith and patience has been tested with such force. My thoughts have been all over the place and it’s been hard to write and share my experiences honestly, because honestly it’s been an extremely challenging time. ‘26’ has been the hardest of all my years because of two major life changes; MARRIAGE and MOTHERHOOD. I didn’t post anything because I felt I didn’t have anything meaningful to say behind those positive phrases and recycled clichés to cover up the real struggle. This year my real life begun, and as usual, I wasn’t ready. I had this picture of what my life was supposed to be like and the disappointment of that manifestation left me feeling frustrated and disheartened. It was HARD! VERY hard and it didn’t help that I was on my own trying to figure it out. Life as I once knew it ceased to exist. This wasn’t a test, warm-up was over and this, my friend, is the real deal.

Adulthood sure is something eh?!!!

Adulthood sure is something eh?!!!

In April 2013, I hit what I termed a “Quarter-Life Crisis”, turning 25 and feeling overwhelmed that there was so much about adulthood I didn’t know. Looking back at that post, I can see I didn’t take adequate steps to put all those points into practice. What exactly I was doing with my ‘single years’ because even now I still find myself asking, ‘who am I?’ as an individual, ‘what makes me happy?’ ‘what is it that I really want from life?’ ‘what steps can I take to get where I want to be?’ The disappointing thing is I thought marriage would answer those questions for me. But it doesn’t. It just emphasised the urgency of reaching a solid understanding of who you are. It’s very unfair to expect your spouse to meet a level of contentment that you haven’t achieved for yourself. If they’ve created an environment for you to be happy in and you’re still not happy, it’s not their fault. It’s your responsibility to be happy! As for motherhood, now that was a different ballgame altogether; discovering the beauty of real pain. All those parenting books and antenatal classes couldn’t completely capture the experience and consequentially, the aftermath of pregnancy was unbearable in the first weeks because of the circumstances surrounding it. However, being pregnant was mostly pleasant and even the labour experience was quite enjoyable.

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When we desire things and believe they will make us happy we deceive ourselves. Living a lie only leads you to where you don’t want to be. And I definitely found myself in that place. Life had changed and I was struggling to adjust and as a result started feeling guilty for not appreciating the blessings others would love to trade places for. I was losing faith, losing patience and doubting every choice I made. I wanted to GET NAKED… like seriously rip off those clothes of oppression but I couldn’t. I didn’t want the rawness of my emotions to be seen as unnatural, shameful and inappropriate so I lied about how I really felt. I was falling and failing and didn’t know if I would recover from this moment of madness. No I didn’t get naked… I was teasing with a bit of flesh here and a flash of thigh there, but I couldn’t be honest with myself. It didn’t help that I was in an environment where autonomous growth wasn’t nurtured so I was afraid of admitting I didn’t know what I was doing because that would mean someone telling me what to do as opposed to showing me a variety of ways that could work. I was in new positions, some of my relationships regressed, emotions were at an uncontrollable high and all the things I knew in theory just weren’t working in practice. Terrified of being criticised for making a mistake, I tried so hard to prove that I had it all together.

Some you like, others not so much!!

Some you like, others not so much!!

We have to stop lying to ourselves about the way certain people make us feel and then find that place where we can express our hearts openly. We have to be BRUTALLY HONEST because eventually the layers of emotional closedness will wear us down. Once I opened up about how I was really coping with the different changes, I was ready to talk about it. I asked one of my besties why no one tells us it’s this hard and she’d always reply “Omo, even if they did, we wouldn’t believe them.” We wouldn’t believe them because people only share the picture when it’s perfect and we expect it to always be that way. I found strength admitting my weakness and was reminded how emotionally liberating it is being vulnerable. I regained that intimacy established through sharing struggles and being bare, knowing it’s all a work in progress with a willingness to work at it. It’s no surprise my closest friends are the ones that have been honest with their difficulties and allowed me to be honest with my shortcomings without any fear. We can be naked with each other (heheheeeee).

perfect

Faith and Patience are life -long lessons so it appropriately represents the themes for this year as I enter the life-long commitment of Marriage and Motherhood. The trying of our faith builds patience and patience gives us strength in the midst of our trials. Trying to present a perfect picture and keeping up appearances is exhausting. We need to be honest and allow ourselves to go through all experiences, because even the negative ones are meaningful. It takes great courage to be honest in your struggle and to share your pain with others if it would help even just one person. Being true about where we are at any moment is how we inspire others to do the same. And that is how we begin to resolve our issues and move forward.

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With that being said… roll on ‘27’!

Happy Birthday To Me!!!

Ms Tola xx