Runaway from T.O.N.Y

26 Apr

You climb the highest mountains, swim in the deepest seas
Cross the hottest desert, travel far and wide…
Yet, you still haven’t found what you’re looking for?

“I could have been in love by now, if it wasn’t for T.O.N.Y.”

I realised T.O.N.Y was my problem, deliberately masking my phobias of long-term commitment. And in trying to save T.O.N.Y, my tendency to run away from serious issues was overlooked. After that experience, I think it’s fair to say “there is a distinct possibility that I am profoundly and irreversibly screwed up” as stated by Maggie Carpenter, the infamous Runaway Bride. But it’s okay and I’m OK with that. We’re all a work in progress. It does however, make me question;

Why exactly are we running?

Is it true that we are so lost and unsure of ourselves, that we allow doubt to paralyse us from making long-term decisions? We then become arrogant and proud as we aspire to ‘perfectionism’, not permitting ourselves the opportunity to make a mistake. What a tragedy if we should get something wrong and look a fool! We learn how to be sympathetic with the faults of others but not our own, as if we are above human nature and therefore should know better and do better. Then suddenly, nobody (not even Jesus himself) can match up to the unrealistic standards we’ve created as a reflection of someone we ourselves can’t even be.
So we run.

Or is it the notion that the chase of the unattainable is what appeals to us. Even when we are rejected or undervalued, it serves as motivation for pursuit and we believe that if we can just get what cannot be gotten, it would all be worth it. But more times than not, the unattainable just wraps up pretty an empty box and emphasises the known reality; you’ve been short-changed. However, it still remains what you want, not what you need. And unless what you need persistently intrudes and you surrender, you’ll forever be running in vain, getting no closer to forever.

“I could have been in love by now, if it wasn’t for T.O.N.Y.”

Now T.O.N.Y. wasn’t just some regular guy...

Now T.O.N.Y. wasn’t just some regular guy…

Me and T.O.N.Y don’t speak no more. I’m moving on. Yes, I’m going. I can’t wait forever. And I can’t keep going back. I ran away! Forgetting about The Other Night, Yes and all the other nights I hid my fears and flaws. It’s time I get on with life and commit to something of my own. We shouldn’t sacrifice life-long bliss for fatal attraction and temporary pleasures to avoid dealing with challenging situations. Sure, we may be afraid and be uncomfortable for a while, and that’s understandable. Because in time we’ll realise that perfect love casts out fear and we’ll run to the arms of Love.

BUT…If you keep loving T.O.N.Y. you’ll never find that real L.O.V.E.

If it wasn’t for T.O.N.Y. I wouldn’t have had a reason to keep running.

If it wasn’t for T.O.N.Y. I wouldn’t have had a reason to keep running.

So put aside the fear of getting it wrong, feeling inadequate or having unrealistic expectations. Maybe deep down we ran because we are right, because it didn’t feel right. Not everything needs to be big, flashy and extravagant; and if you’ve got to dress it up like that, it doesn’t ring true. Understand that it’s better to run before it’s too late than to run when it’s too late. So don’t criticize us for running because subconsciously, it’s to a place we feel safe. And like the Supremes once said, “You can’t hurry Love…”

Runaway Love...

Runaway Love…

Ms Tola xx
I have found calmness in the midst of craziness.


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